Mending Family Ties Before It’s Too Late
A few months ago, I wrote about what makes for a “good death”—knowing that everything has been arranged, with friends and loved ones gathered at your bedside for a final farewell.
Yet recently, I’ve attended funerals where the next-of-kin was absent. The reason? Long-standing family feuds, with both sides unwilling to reconcile. When one side is ready to forgive and move on, but the other remains obstinate, the conflict persists. It takes two to forgive, and two to mend a broken bond.
While much is said about maintaining good health and financial security in later years, far less attention is paid to nurturing harmonious family relationships—a factor arguably just as crucial, if not more so, for aging well. Appearances can be deceiving. Families that seem loving at festivals and celebrations may conceal deep-seated strife. Smiles in photographs often hide tension, resentment, and unresolved conflict.
At life’s end, it no longer matters who was right or wrong. Often, it’s the children who refuse to forgive. “He wasn’t a good father,” one adult son once told me. But bitterness at that stage only leads to regret. For the elderly, the desire to make peace is strong, yet if reconciliation is denied, the opportunity passes—and sometimes tragically.
Unfortunately, unresolved family feuds contribute to the growing number of abandoned elderly in hospitals, nursing homes, and care facilities. Between 2018 and 2022, over 2,100 cases of abandoned seniors were reported nationwide, with certain hospitals seeing a 50% rise in 2023. Adult children fail to return, leaving parents with nowhere to go—ending up in welfare homes or, in the worst cases, on the streets.
During three months of interviews for a documentary on homeless seniors, I heard countless heartbreaking stories. Many preferred the streets over returning to children who had mistreated them. Elder abuse isn’t only financial or physical; psychological abuse—daily belittling, scolding, and being treated like a non-person—is equally cruel, sometimes pushing elderly parents toward depression or suicidal thoughts. Harsh words like “Better go and die quickly” are devastating. This goes beyond a lack of filial piety—it is a violation of human dignity and human rights.
Family ties should never be severed. Physical distance isn’t an excuse to disconnect. Digital technology—WhatsApp, video calls, Zoom—makes regular communication possible, even across miles. When contact is lost, an elderly parent can pass away unnoticed for days or weeks. In Japan, this is known as Kodokushi, or “lonely death.” Such cases remind us that family presence and care are not optional—they are vital.
Bitterness and the desire for revenge act like toxins, slowly poisoning body and mind. They steal the joy of living, the comfort of a loving family. While we may never forget perceived wrongs, we can—and must—learn to forgive. No act is so unforgivable that it should sever the bond between parent and child, or between siblings.
Here are practical steps seniors can take to safeguard themselves:
- Build a financial nest egg; remain financially independent in old age.
- Maintain good health to stay active and self-sufficient into your 70s, 80s, and beyond.
- Protect your property; avoid handing over house deeds prematurely.
- Cultivate a reliable network of friends for support.
- Seek professional help or counselling if feeling overwhelmed or suicidal.
- Join support groups to stay connected and empowered.
- Be a responsible, caring parent; nurture respect and love in your children.
Family harmony isn’t limited to parent-child relationships. Spousal bonds, sibling ties, and in-law relationships are equally important. When spousal relationships deteriorate to the point of non-communication, only two options remain: divorce or separation. Some couples choose to live together under a false pretense, enduring years of unhappiness rather than face the stigma or legal hassle of divorce—a waste of precious time.
Sibling disputes often arise from jealousy, rivalry, or inheritance disputes. Favoritism can leave lasting resentment, sometimes culminating in bitter lawsuits. Interference from in-laws can also intensify conflicts, especially in marriages across different cultural or socioeconomic backgrounds. Respectful boundaries and impartiality are crucial.
No one can predict the future. Elder abuse and neglect are real risks—but they can be mitigated by raising children with love, modeling respect for elders, and fostering patience and understanding. Learning to pause before taking offense, judging slowly, and practicing forgiveness can help maintain family peace.
Embracing the art of letting go, apologizing when wrong, and forgiving when hurt are steps toward living in harmony with ourselves and our families. In the end, the pursuit of family peace is a goal worth striving for—a legacy that lasts far beyond our own lifetime.